The universe has definitely been sending me some smoke signals letting me know that it is rooting for me and my babies. I consider myself spiritual, but not religious. I believe in God, the creator of all. I have also shown my human side a time or two by telling God to F off during my fertility roller coaster. (Sorry). Either way, he has made his presence known this week.
My sister texted me a picture she took of a double rainbow that was close to my house back in Orlando. At first I thought: “yay good luck” and then my husband reminded me that a baby after loss is called a rainbow baby. A sign for my twin rainbow babies?
Fear was definitely taking over. I had nothing to occupy my time after the transfer so why not downward spiral in to panic mode? My head started thinking about donor eggs and adoption and the usual suspects of a fertility back up plan. I started arguing with myself mentally; feeling as if I was going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy with my negative attitude on day 1. I rarely consume chocolate and almost never buy it. It’s not my thing. With wine out of the question along with ice cream and cheese (since I cut out dairy) I bought a bag of Dove chocolates to nurse my emotional low. The first chocolate I unwrapped as I stood in the Target parking lot consoled me with this little wrapper wisdom:
With my positive outlook of my plight in life renewed (thanks to the Dove chocolate wrapper) I decided to take myself on a lunch date to my favorite LA vegetarian/vegan restaurant Cafe Gratitude. A favorite among celebrities and hipsters alike, the restaurant lists its menu items in the form of an affirmation . It is with the idea that each person can practice affirming great qualities in themselves while dining. (SO LA, I know). In addition to the affirmational menu items, the servers always have a question of the day that they ask each guest. The question is designed to invite Cafe Gratitude guests to have new conversations or to bring their attention into the present moment. Something like, “What is blessed about your life?” or “What do you have an abundance of?”
My question of the day:
“What are you creating?”
I just started smiling. I could not believe it! “What am I creating?” HUMANS! Little tiny humans to one day call my own. It still makes me smile to think about how kind life was to me in that moment. Oh and I ordered the “I am thriving” and the “I am warm-hearted” and it was delicious.
Yesterday’s mantra: Hatch and attach! Nothing out of the ordinary happened but i did have a dream about a little blonde boy named Carter during acupuncture. Carter was about two years old and playing in the backyard with my dog Baxter. I walked outside and called “Carter time to come in sweetheart” and he and Baxter came running towards me and then I woke up. A bit bizarre considering I don’t know any little boys named Carter and I’ve never considered the name before, but hey, I’ll take it.
My Mom called me today to tell me she had a bizarre dream that woke her up in the middle of the night last night. She did not want to call me because it was around 2 am PST and she also did not want to text me the dream because she was worried it would freak me out. So she texted me the below instead. In her dream she could see my embryos and they hadn’t attached to my uterus yet. She said someone appeared in her dream like a spirit or an angel telling her it was ok to be invested because it was going to work out. Then her dream began reversing and she saw one embryo attached and then watched the other attach. She woke up and thought: “I bet Jenna’s embryos attached last night while she slept”. Implantation typically begins the 4th day after a three-day transfer. It is during this time that the blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus. My Mom is totally unaware of the timing and process post embryo transfer. The timing of her dream could not have been more spot on with what should be occurring. I woke up this morning with mild cramping and it’s been on an off all day. It’s the first day I’ve experienced it since egg retrieval. A mother’s intuition perhaps?