PTSD – Post Traumatic Sonogram Disorder

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. Had my first son Blake been born full-term his due date was October 15th 2011. So while it’s also Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day, for me all I can think about it the little blond three-year-old that would be calling me Mama now. I’m a terrible infertile because I didn’t post anything to my social medias. I really should after all I am 1 in 4 and should be using my voice and my experiences to educate. ย The only candle I considered lighting was one in my laundry room to cover up the litter box smell.

October 15th is so personal for me. I spent my day quietly reflecting on my first-born and remembering the son that taught me the true meaning of love and made me a mother. ย It is and always will be mine and Blake’s day. I have such a grateful heart that he was part of my life.

On Monday (Oct 13th) I had an early 20 week ultrasound. All I could think about for days was the potential of having another loss by the 15th. Every time I’ve had an ultrasound I’ve had an emotional meltdown the day before. It’s almost like I begin grieving a potential loss if I lose this baby too. My husband is now used to this and readies himself to give me lots of hugs and affirmations in my downward emotional spirals.

For most, ultrasounds are an exciting time to see their little one in action. To find out the gender. To see the baby flip and kick. For me, it’s by far the most terrifying of experiences (I’ve now had 6 this pregnancy). When I arrive at the doctor’s office I normally waver between feeling like I am going to puke and cry. Once I walk in to the sonographer’s room my anxiety kicks in to high gear and I begin to sweat; my throat tightens up. My husband grips my hand and I tightly squeeze my eyes close until I hear the sonographer announce “There is a heart beat”. Which at every announcement tears begin streaming down my face.

Today at 19 weeks 5 days I am the most pregnant I have ever been.

I knew that the anatomy scan was a very big deal. My husband thought it was another routine check of the heartbeat so he chatted happily with the sonographer commenting on how active our son was while I sat in very tense silence for the 20 minutes it took to scan every single organ, bone and valve. I would occasionally ask the doctor. “All ok?”

Baby Ax (as we are calling him now) was perfect and growing about a week ahead of schedule.

The only potential complication they spotted was a low-lying placenta which can lead to placenta previa. All it really means is I may need a mandatory c-section. The low-lying placenta is most likely due to all the D&C’s I’ve had and scar tissue build-up.

I wish I could say that worry and fear is behind me. That I don’t wait to feel him kick or move every single day. That every time I let someone know that I am expecting I worry it could be jinxing the pregnancy. I pray I never have to untell anybody I tell about my second son. I hope they get to meet him and get to know him.

Even though my need for maternity pants happened three weeks ago, I waited until this last appointment to buy anything. I walked around with my pants completely unzipped and unbuttoned. Classy I know, but I could not bear the thought of having to return anything.

We are foregoing any announcement on our social media at this time. There are plenty of unoriginal announcements continually happening so I don’t feel the need to contribute. Every time somebody posts they are expecting I still get my breath taken away. March due dates are particularly the worst for me.

We will announce once he is safely in our arms. Until then acquaintances and past work colleagues can assume I am just getting chunky. ๐Ÿ™‚

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10 thoughts on “PTSD – Post Traumatic Sonogram Disorder

  1. I’m 19w3d, and I haven’t announced either. I still don’t feel the baby move with any certainty or regularity, and that makes me feel insecure. And of course I hold my breath at every ultrasound–I’m anxious about the anatomy scan in a few days.
    I also didn’t post anything about pregnancy and infant loss awareness day–I just am not ready to share my struggles. I didn’t light a candle either, but my babies were thought of & tears were shed. My first was due Oct. 12th, 2013.
    So I identify with what you’re saying. It mirrors my own feelings and experiences. I’m so happy for you that the pregnancy is going well! Wishing you the very best. XOXO

    • I will be thinking about you and the anatomy scan! Will you post a blog entry and let us know how it goes??? I am on the same page about the baby movement. I only feel it occasionally right now and some days not at all which of course give me something else to worry about. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts! My next appt isn’t until November so i am thinking I may purchase a doppler to keep my mind at ease. xoxo

  2. In my one successful pregnancy to date I was way past 20 weeks before announcing to anyone but my very immediate family. That was fun working in a totally conservative, gossipy legal environment, let me tell you.

    I can so relate to the PTSD. I am so incredibly happy for you that things are continuing to go as they should with this pregnancy. I’d get the doppler. It was the best investment I made to ease my mind when I did had that one pregnancy success story (it had a lot of scares in the first and second trimesters so the doppler was indispensable) though it was part of me figuring out baby #6 had died last Fall so it’s a bit of a mixed blessing that way. Do what will bring you peace of mind. Wishing you all the goodness and success you’ve fought so hard to hold onto.

    • I’ve been toying with the doppler idea the entire pregnancy. There is part of me that is almost fearful of it but think it will end up bringing more peace than panic. I will keep you posted. xo

  3. Yep, I have a total love loathe relationship with ultrasounds too. The hospital assigned me my own tech this time so I didn’t have to explain aunty by, and also so she’d see any changes better. That really helped me. Am glad everything is looking good with baby ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. I must have missed something. I didn’t know you were pregnant! I know the last blog post required a password and I didn’t get to read that one, so perhaps this is where you posted this info. Either way, I am so happy for you! A new little girl and a little boy too. How wonderful! After my loss last year, every ultrasound that I’ve had with this current pregnancy has also induced much stress. I completely understand what you’re going through, but I am so happy that everything seems to be going so well for you so far. At twenty weeks, I wasn’t feeling this little one moving a whole lot, but trust me…won’t be long now and you’ll be feeling them a WHOLE lot more. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Congrats again!

    • Thanks Mel! I initially had to password protect my last post because if you Googled my daughter’s name it brought up my blog. Now everybody who needs to know I am pregnant knows. ๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t wait to feel the LO more a whole lot more. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Oh, and I wanted to add that I also had a low lying placenta at my 19 week ultrasound. They checked it again four weeks later and it had moved on its own. Thank goodness! The dr said these things usually correct themselves. Hopefully this will be the case for you, as well. XO

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