PTSD – Post Traumatic Sonogram Disorder

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. Had my first son Blake been born full-term his due date was October 15th 2011. So while it’s also Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day, for me all I can think about it the little blond three-year-old that would be calling me Mama now. I’m a terrible infertile because I didn’t post anything to my social medias. I really should after all I am 1 in 4 and should be using my voice and my experiences to educate.  The only candle I considered lighting was one in my laundry room to cover up the litter box smell.

October 15th is so personal for me. I spent my day quietly reflecting on my first-born and remembering the son that taught me the true meaning of love and made me a mother.  It is and always will be mine and Blake’s day. I have such a grateful heart that he was part of my life.

On Monday (Oct 13th) I had an early 20 week ultrasound. All I could think about for days was the potential of having another loss by the 15th. Every time I’ve had an ultrasound I’ve had an emotional meltdown the day before. It’s almost like I begin grieving a potential loss if I lose this baby too. My husband is now used to this and readies himself to give me lots of hugs and affirmations in my downward emotional spirals.

For most, ultrasounds are an exciting time to see their little one in action. To find out the gender. To see the baby flip and kick. For me, it’s by far the most terrifying of experiences (I’ve now had 6 this pregnancy). When I arrive at the doctor’s office I normally waver between feeling like I am going to puke and cry. Once I walk in to the sonographer’s room my anxiety kicks in to high gear and I begin to sweat; my throat tightens up. My husband grips my hand and I tightly squeeze my eyes close until I hear the sonographer announce “There is a heart beat”. Which at every announcement tears begin streaming down my face.

Today at 19 weeks 5 days I am the most pregnant I have ever been.

I knew that the anatomy scan was a very big deal. My husband thought it was another routine check of the heartbeat so he chatted happily with the sonographer commenting on how active our son was while I sat in very tense silence for the 20 minutes it took to scan every single organ, bone and valve. I would occasionally ask the doctor. “All ok?”

Baby Ax (as we are calling him now) was perfect and growing about a week ahead of schedule.

The only potential complication they spotted was a low-lying placenta which can lead to placenta previa. All it really means is I may need a mandatory c-section. The low-lying placenta is most likely due to all the D&C’s I’ve had and scar tissue build-up.

I wish I could say that worry and fear is behind me. That I don’t wait to feel him kick or move every single day. That every time I let someone know that I am expecting I worry it could be jinxing the pregnancy. I pray I never have to untell anybody I tell about my second son. I hope they get to meet him and get to know him.

Even though my need for maternity pants happened three weeks ago, I waited until this last appointment to buy anything. I walked around with my pants completely unzipped and unbuttoned. Classy I know, but I could not bear the thought of having to return anything.

We are foregoing any announcement on our social media at this time. There are plenty of unoriginal announcements continually happening so I don’t feel the need to contribute. Every time somebody posts they are expecting I still get my breath taken away. March due dates are particularly the worst for me.

We will announce once he is safely in our arms. Until then acquaintances and past work colleagues can assume I am just getting chunky. 🙂