So my Dr’s office was nice enough to wait until 5:30 pm my time to finally call me and give me the verdict. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for the news for days now. While I tried to remain optimistic and hopeful, I knew I was praying for a miracle to happen. In case the news was negative my husband and I had already made plans to go have some much deserved margarita’s and mexican food.
Well I got the call and it was negative.
Maybe I am emotionally swimming around in a very large vat of denial but I don’t even feel sad. I can’t even cry. At this point in my fertility journey I’ve lost so much and had my heart and body stomped on so much that I think I’ve become immune to it.
To me a negative is the second runner up to a positive. I have had period cramps for days now and also got a negative hpt on 11dp3dt so for me getting my period isn’t so bad to the alternatives. I was more fearful of getting a positive and being stuck in beta hell and being told it would not be a viable pregnancy. I was more afraid of ectopic. Or What if I actually got pregnant and made it to second trimester again only to hold my dead child in my arms once more? So I will take a period and several margaritas over the alternatives.
This is where the IVF train stops for me. Out of the five embryos remaining this cycle none of them made it to freeze on day 6. I refuse to stop living to create a life. I do want a family and I will have a family one day, I have made peace with that fact that it just may not be with my own biological children.
We’ve invested over $30,000 in our one-day family already so I need a mental break and we need a financial break.
Next steps are a WTF call with my doctor next week, beginning the process of filling out adoption paperwork and potentially looking in to donor egg options if it comes back that I make crap eggs.
Signing off because it’s happy hour! 🙂
Ok! I’ve read it online before. 9dp3dt could possibly be too early to get a positive home pregnancy test. Some women don’t get a positive test until they get their beta tests back.
I was feeling pretty confident today so I decided to take a pee. To be honest, I was a bit surprised. I was expecting a faint line.
Symptom wise (which is all a big guessing game). I had mild cramping, low back pain and a few zingers/pinches on both my left and right abdomen 4dp3dt to 7pd3dt. Yesterday cramping subsided and last night had full blown insomnia. Went to bed around 3am and up at 6:30 am. Took the insomnia to be a good sign (because the ladies online say it is). Yesterday after feeling awesome about this round, I started to feel a bit bummed out. Thought that could be a sign of a hormonal shift too.
I feel like I just peed out $15,000 of NO! Ugh.
The universe has definitely been sending me some smoke signals letting me know that it is rooting for me and my babies. I consider myself spiritual, but not religious. I believe in God, the creator of all. I have also shown my human side a time or two by telling God to F off during my fertility roller coaster. (Sorry). Either way, he has made his presence known this week.
My sister texted me a picture she took of a double rainbow that was close to my house back in Orlando. At first I thought: “yay good luck” and then my husband reminded me that a baby after loss is called a rainbow baby. A sign for my twin rainbow babies?
Fear was definitely taking over. I had nothing to occupy my time after the transfer so why not downward spiral in to panic mode? My head started thinking about donor eggs and adoption and the usual suspects of a fertility back up plan. I started arguing with myself mentally; feeling as if I was going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy with my negative attitude on day 1. I rarely consume chocolate and almost never buy it. It’s not my thing. With wine out of the question along with ice cream and cheese (since I cut out dairy) I bought a bag of Dove chocolates to nurse my emotional low. The first chocolate I unwrapped as I stood in the Target parking lot consoled me with this little wrapper wisdom:
With my positive outlook of my plight in life renewed (thanks to the Dove chocolate wrapper) I decided to take myself on a lunch date to my favorite LA vegetarian/vegan restaurant Cafe Gratitude. A favorite among celebrities and hipsters alike, the restaurant lists its menu items in the form of an affirmation . It is with the idea that each person can practice affirming great qualities in themselves while dining. (SO LA, I know). In addition to the affirmational menu items, the servers always have a question of the day that they ask each guest. The question is designed to invite Cafe Gratitude guests to have new conversations or to bring their attention into the present moment. Something like, “What is blessed about your life?” or “What do you have an abundance of?”
My question of the day:
“What are you creating?”
I just started smiling. I could not believe it! “What am I creating?” HUMANS! Little tiny humans to one day call my own. It still makes me smile to think about how kind life was to me in that moment. Oh and I ordered the “I am thriving” and the “I am warm-hearted” and it was delicious.
Yesterday’s mantra: Hatch and attach! Nothing out of the ordinary happened but i did have a dream about a little blonde boy named Carter during acupuncture. Carter was about two years old and playing in the backyard with my dog Baxter. I walked outside and called “Carter time to come in sweetheart” and he and Baxter came running towards me and then I woke up. A bit bizarre considering I don’t know any little boys named Carter and I’ve never considered the name before, but hey, I’ll take it.
My Mom called me today to tell me she had a bizarre dream that woke her up in the middle of the night last night. She did not want to call me because it was around 2 am PST and she also did not want to text me the dream because she was worried it would freak me out. So she texted me the below instead. In her dream she could see my embryos and they hadn’t attached to my uterus yet. She said someone appeared in her dream like a spirit or an angel telling her it was ok to be invested because it was going to work out. Then her dream began reversing and she saw one embryo attached and then watched the other attach. She woke up and thought: “I bet Jenna’s embryos attached last night while she slept”. Implantation typically begins the 4th day after a three-day transfer. It is during this time that the blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus. My Mom is totally unaware of the timing and process post embryo transfer. The timing of her dream could not have been more spot on with what should be occurring. I woke up this morning with mild cramping and it’s been on an off all day. It’s the first day I’ve experienced it since egg retrieval. A mother’s intuition perhaps?
And now we wait! I had a 3-day transfer of two 8-cell top grade embryos on Saturday morning. I felt really good about it to the point that I was giddy. Our other 5 were still plugging away so I am hopeful they will make it to the blastocyst for freezing. I spent yesterday on bed rest all day and today was up and about for brief intervals. A trip to target and a 10 minute walk down Abbott Kinney in Venice Beach for breakfast. I am wrestling with the fact that I no longer have control of the situation (like I really ever did from the beginning). It’s all in God’s hands. I am just a vessel that is trying to make a comfortable home for my little embryo babies. I’ve found my mind veering off in to the fear of the “what if it doesn’t work”, “What if this”, “what if that” but have found that if I repeat my mantra’s “In it to twin it” and “year of the baby” it gets my head back in the right place. I already have mother’s guilt about everything! Please pray for me. It’s going to be a long two weeks! 🙂