Menopur Meltdown: IVF Day # 6

… And yesterday I had a monumental meltdown.

Hell hath no fury like a woman hopped up on 5 different types of hormones.

The IVF process has a habit of putting marriages under a microscope. Currently, under my marital microscope, my husband is grounded from participating in my injections after he gave me not one but two incorrect dosages.

The first alleged fail was the evening of Day 5 when he was supposed to give me 150 iu of Menopur and only gave me 75iu. I had not been refereeing his dosing so I was blissfully unaware until he mentioned it to the nurse at my day 6 blood work and ultrasound. The nurse immediately gave me the additional 75iu of meds and said it should not negatively impact my cycle.

The subsequent error was last night which was responsible for my emotional tailspin. In an effort to help the growth of my 9 maturing follicles my Dr. added 50 iu of human growth hormone. It was the first injection of the evening which came with explicit written directions from my Dr. After strike 1 on the dosing I made sure to actively participate in my medication prep by read the instructions out loud and having him repeat them back to me. The ONLY thing I did not do was check how much medication he put in the syringe. Moments after giving me the injections he started panicking a bit and announced he had given me double the dose!

And this is when I lost it! Not because the dosing was messed up, but because everything that moment represented. All the what if’s stripped me of any rational thinking and left me standing there emotionally exposed.

I cried. I bawled. I kept yelling how could you? How could you be so careless? How could you mess up again? How could you be so reckless with my body and the potential of our future? I cried some more. And then I had to stop and take the remaining three injections. After that I continued crying and wallowing in my fear that this cycle had been ruined, while my panic-stricken husband dialed the on-call  nurse.

I am not a crier nor am I overly emotional so this type of emotional reaction is reserved for once every three to four years and I was clearly overdue. In that moment, infertility won. What I have experienced these past three years finally got the best of me. It was if all the emotional pain, frustration and anger was funneled to this one particular situation.

All I could think about was how hard I’ve worked for those 9 little follicles to be developing. I have essentially stopped living to create a life. No gluten, no caffeine, no alcohol diet. My free time consumed with yoga, acupuncture, searching for wheat grass and up to 40 pills a day. I haven’t been in a hot tub or sauna in over a year. Gone are the days of running half marathons and doing triathlons out of fear of overexertion. And list keeps going.

So the idea that a few messed up injections could take me out of the running for motherhood this month was too much.

I’ll find out tomorrow morning what negative effects (if any) the dosing had on me when I go in for another round of labs and an ultrasound.

Until then, my husband and I will enjoy the imperfectly perfect spouses we are to one another. 🙂

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11 thoughts on “Menopur Meltdown: IVF Day # 6

  1. Oh how awful 😦 I’m happy the first mistake was fixed by the nurse and didn’t have a negative impact. I so hope that the double dose didn’t mess anything up 😦 You’re right.. You’ve worked so hard and made soooo many sacrifices (I know there are probably 1,000 more you didn’t even mention) for this to be ruined. Hugs.. Sometimes you just need a breakdown but you are incredibly strong. Thinking of you and hope everything is okay.

  2. I would say you were overdue for meltdown. I am the same way…only happens a couple of times ever, but it is rather glorious when it does. Give yourself some grace and buy your husband a peace treaty (a card and candy usually helped) mine. So sorry! Hoping for good news!

  3. I’m so sorry hun, this is so hard on everyone. You’re bound to have a meltdown, you’re going through so much right now. I hope so much that nothing has a negative effect so you can go back to feeling good about this. Your dedication is incredible. Sending hugs xx

  4. I’m so glad to read that all is well after all this… we all fall apart, some of us do more than others – I definitely had my moments. It’s all such a scary thing (those hormones and needles and $$$ and time), don’t be too hard on yourself. Sending you both a BIG HUG!

  5. Thank heavens everything wasn’t totally lost. Eek! I would’ve freaked out too. I’m glad it all worked out and who knows, maybe the extra dose helped. I hope you are feeling better and just know that it’s ok to “let it out” sometimes. I do it pretty often, hehe.

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