I am too busy to be infertile. You see, I don’t have time to be infertile so therefore my fertility issues will just disappear, right? I have hoped that my pregnancy pause problems could be lost on one of my many cross-country flights from Florida to Los Angeles. Infertility only happens to “other” people so between hosting my friends and family for Christmas, running a multi-million dollar company with my husband, working on applying to grad school and a slew of other busying tasks my hope was that I’d fall pregnant and I could close the book on the last three horrifying years.
NOPE! Unfortunately, ignoring my non-pregnancy status did not help me achieve pregnancy, therefore I can not recommend it as a successful procreation method.
When I lost my son two and a half years ago I read the book On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The book covers the five stages of grief a person will experience when a loss or major trauma occurs.
Denial – When you deny the reality of the situation. Example: In keeping myself so busy in life, maybe my Diminished Ovarian Reserve diagnosis will go away and I will magically get pregnant, carry full term, and all will be right in the world.
Anger – As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. Example: It’s my parents fault that I have been unable to achieve a healthy full-term pregnancy because they fed me processed foods growing up.
Bargaining – The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. Example: If only I had sought medical attention sooner… Are you there God???? It’s me, Jenna. If you just answer this ONE prayer request by allowing me to birth one living child (not trying to be selfish it only has to be one) I promise I will go to church every Sunday the rest of my life.
Depression – Sadness and regret. Example: Crying all the time
Acceptance – I am soooo far from this stage and have no clue what to tell you outside of the definition of the word itself.
I am currently cycling between the first four, with denial being the stage du jour.
The reality is: my infertility is impossible to ignore. Until I cease having periods, ovulation symptoms and PMS my fertility is on display in my body throughout the month. My mother swears if I just “relax” and go about my life it will happen. I have explained to her, that for me, it is physically impossible to do. I have regular periods every 30 days. Around day 15 in my cycle my boobs get sensitive, I have dull aching, etc. etc. Ignorance would be bliss, if there were not constant reminders that Darwinism may be trying to weed me out. It’s something that I think about everyday. Multiple times a day. I am doubtful that will change until I get what I want.
So beginning next month, I will fully embrace the war that is being waged in my body and begin cycle # 2 of IVF. I have pulled out the arsenal of eastern medicine tactics in the last two months to ensure this rounds results are a success.